Sons of the East – Head Above the Water

Patty

(Listening to this song while you read, is strongly encouraged)

So you think that you might
Slide away in the night
Get away from it all for once
Take the back seat of the bus going south

This week someone I have known for over forty-five years slid away into the night.

I sat through the service for my stepmother, mostly present, in a surreal state of mind. There were people in that room whom I have known through all the stages of my life. There were people there I didn’t know at all. Mostly it was my dad’s family, which is my reference, not theirs. My youngest sister was there, my Susan, and both of my kids, everyone else was their family. Some of those in that room are some of the dearest people in my life, nieces and nephews, my other siblings… If it weren’t for Kissy, I would have left the bar that night, without my sweet Susan’s phone number… and Steph and Tony introduced me to Cat Stevens… those things matter. Things like that change your life and I know if not for Dad and Patty, I wouldn’t be quite like this.

Tiffany and Shatame, you are some of the most loving people I know… barreling down your road, trying to figure things out. Raising your beautiful children, absolutely no time for yourselves… “Yeah, I know there is a cost…”

Each of you are a part of the story of my life, and you carry something of me. I hope you know how much you are adored and how much I look forward to seeing what you do next.

Yeah I know there’s a cost
You said the same thing all along
And I don’t know if it’s friend or thief
Comes ’round to steal you away

I was almost fifteen when my dad introduced Robbi and I to Patty. I was really pissed off at how happy they seemed. My dad left my mom and us for this new family and I don’t think I have ever worked my way all the way through that. I have carried a grudge for decades after being told not to tell my mom where my dad worked. They couldn’t collect child support from him if they didn’t know where he worked. I am not proud of that grudge, but I will never forget the life my mom had thrust upon her. Just trying to keep her head above water.

Well you try to keep your head above the water
I know it ain’t easy now
So lay down in my arms and let me hold you
It gets better somehow

We are all just trying to keep our heads above water… and eventually, it does get better somehow.

When I knelt next to my dad as the service wrapped up, I saw the tears in his eyes, and I just listened. He was staring at a picture of Patty; he only sees out of the sides of his eyes now, and he had just found the perfect angle to see the picture of her. “She is so beautiful… Oh isn’t she beautiful.”

That is what true love looks like… it does get better somehow.

I am not sure how many of those people in that room I will ever see again. Circumstance and the one that tied us together will dictate whatever thread we glance against in the future. Patty is the one who brought us all to that room. She was a force to be reckoned with, her smile and laughter were something that I had tried to earn. When I was a teenager, I could see the way my dad loved her, and I wanted that too.

You don’t let much get you down
But now your luck’s running out
And the game isn’t easy to play
Let me come and steal you away

Patty showed me how to dance…

I still feel only slightly guilty that they bought me tickets to Tanya Tucker at the fair. I was so in love with Tanya that I would have let anyone sell their firstborn if it meant that I would get to see her. Tanya lived up to everything I had dreamed of, and I was mesmerized by her. They had bought me a seat that was in the front row of the grandstands on the rodeo grounds she was playing in. I invented an elaborate tale of running onto the grounds when she finished. I said I wanted to get her autograph before she got into her limo. I would have made it, but a massive security guard put his hand out and I found myself face up on the ground and she was gone… pretty decent story huh? I have lost count of the number of times I have told that tale, I figured it didn’t matter, Tanya didn’t know, and I just sat petrified in my seat, thinking the whole story up.

Well you try to keep your head above the water
I know it ain’t easy now
So lay down in my arms and let me hold you
It gets better somehow

Patty wanted me to call her mom, she even told me once that God wanted it that way… I never could call her mom, and it had nothing to do with love. She will always be Patty to me, I love her for everything that she was. She was a ferociously good mother; I saw how she took care of her own. She laughed with an abandon that I can only aspire to. She gave me glimpses of what it could mean to think for just me. What I call her does not change the fact that she left an indelible mark on my life.

Don-O is what she called my dad. I saw Patty’s love for my dad when he had a major heart attack twenty-three years ago. I hadn’t been talking to my dad much over the previous twenty years or so…

Kissy called and told me what had happened, and we all ended up in Spokane trying to figure out if this funny, gnarly old man was going to make it. Someone was trying to steal him away and it didn’t happen. I will never forget the love I saw in Patty’s eyes for my dad. She was so afraid of losing him, it was the first time I saw true love.

I met my Susan a few months after that happened and I am not sure I would have been open to finding the love of my life, if not for that night. Watching Patty gaze upon the man I called dad… she loved him so much.

Susan was right next to me this week as I sat there trying to understand what I was feeling. She was the one my dad recognized first; he loves my Susan so much. When he slips away, I am not sure what I will do. He is almost ninety-four and I know he is trying to have a positive look on tomorrow, but I know he loved his Patty with all his heart, and he had to say farewell. He is trying to keep his head above water, but he doesn’t have the one he’d lay in the arms of anymore…

You don’t let much get you down
But now your luck’s running out
And the game isn’t easy to play
Let me come and steal you away

I heard this song on the way to the service and then again on the way home. I have listened to this song a lot since the Sons of the East released it last October. So much magic… I waited, and the story found me like it usually does. It is weird how music finds me in a moment when I need it. Hope these guys don’t mind me working through some shit with their beautiful song.

The gift I have been given for appreciating what music can walk you through is due in part to Patty. She had incredibly good taste in music, and she encouraged me early on to listen to whatever I wanted. When I told her that I had been told that I would go to hell for listening to Queen, she just laughed. I figured out how laughable that was later…

Patty, the last few decades were especially hard for you. The chair they gave you made you feel like your luck was running out. I know you wanted to get away from it all a long time ago, but you stayed. I know it was dad that kept you here, but he will be ok. We are all going to make sure of that. When he decides he has had enough of us, I am sure he will reach out for your hand and follow where you take him.

It is a weird and fantastic process that happens for me when I write about a song. I pick up all these pieces that I have collected over the many years of my life, and I look at them while listening to the spirit of what a song is telling me. I don’t let things get me down, and some of that is not easy but I have a beautiful human next to me, just like my dad did.

So you think that you might
Slide away in the night
Get away from it all for once
Take the back seat of the bus going south

Something changed for me that day. Watching all those people say goodbye to Patty. I laid down that grudge and it just slid away. I didn’t know what to expect when I made the drive to her service, I just wanted to give my dad a hug and to see if he was ok. I wasn’t expecting all this stuff to come up, wanting to be resolved, but it did, and I am grateful. I am grateful for the music that worked into my spirit and washed away bits of pain and grief. I am grateful for Patty, who was perfectly imperfect. I am grateful for the last two decades that allowed me to heal the pain that existed between my dad and me. I am most grateful for my Susan, who quietly holds me and loves me.

Dad is ok but he will slide away into the night. There is a whole gang of folks waiting there for him. He is the last of his siblings and I know he misses them so much. I will do what I can to spend as much time with him as I can and not hold on too tight when the time comes for him to go. The game is not easy to play, and it can drag you down. But it does get better somehow…

Through grief we can find joy. When the magic of music touches you, let it soothe you and guide your steps back to joy. It gets better somehow.

Listening, learning, and growing