Alanis Morissette – Diagnosis

The last three months have seemed like a year, I have watched humanity change and I have changed. It will still be some time before we really understand the depth of change that the last three months has wrought. I am still holding tightly onto hope, but I am tired. I do not know anyone that feels more secure than they did a few months ago. In truth I meet very few people who seem to have a good hold on hope at all. I keep hearing about getting back to normal, I keep hearing how hard it is… All the while my co-workers and I keep doing what we do, and you get to keep eating.  But we are getting tired… we are getting tired of how invisible we are to you. We are tired of risking ourselves when you do not even know we exist.  The seasons have started to swing and as they do, we all look forward to the trappings that come with that swing. Only this time in 2020, we are not sure what the seasons will bring.  Many want to believe that the warmth will give us back our normal, but we don’t know… I am very worried that we will choose to believe whatever suits our crisis of thought and then as a result we will make this worse…

I came awfully close to just saying I am done last week. it was nothing in particular… it was not the woman who did not want me to touch her groceries and made me feel so dirty. It was not the guy packing a gun on his hip, waiting for me to ask why… I just felt empty, I had given all my hope to everyone around me and found myself empty. One tiny, impromptu conversation with a co-worker who asked and really wanted to know how I was, made such a difference…we had agreed to check on each other.  I am going to be fine, I still might get the bug, but I will be fine. I have found a place of my own peace that allows me to be what you need, to make you feel comfortable. I don’t even care anymore

Call it what you want
Cause I don’t even care anymore
Call me what you need to
To make yourself comfortable

Alanis Morissette released this song on April 24th and for six days, this was the only song I listened to; I drove to work with it…I walked around my place with it…. I drove home from work with it…

There is still so much I am breaking down with this song, the timing of its arrival in my life. I needed this so badly.  To feel the spirit of this incredible songwriter. Just the pure musicality of this song… it is breaking me, in a way that we should be broken.  The breaking is my need to justify myself to people, to meet the requirements of their label or their diagnosis. This song is helping me find a place of not caring anymore.

How many of us have been doing what we do, just to make someone comfortable? Call it what you want…. I know so many people that never give thought to their comfort and work their whole lives trying to mold themselves into someone else’s comfort.

I’ve not left the house in a while
I’ve not felt a glimpse of ease
And I have not made much headway
Since I have come back from the war
And I no longer give a damn
‘Bout things that used to matter
And I am covering my eyes
As I am frozen on the spot

I wonder what we will all look like after this war, this is the line that spun magic to me, the one that made me stop and listen.  I do not know when Alanis wrote this song or recorded it, that question hit me when I heard the first line in this verse, so many people have not left their houses in a while. Regardless of when she wrote this, the timing of this song was simply perfect in every way.

I have struggled to write and struggled to listen to music, the daily dose of fear and trying to make everyone comfortable has taken a toll on myself and so many others that are out there right now working through this.

Please do your best to embrace all the joy you can find. We have no idea what the “other side” of this looks like, we do not even know when we will get there. If you are like me, then fear and questions tend to pass through most moments. This song gave me some respite from that, it was very much like being bathed in peace.

And all of you are so frustrated
And everyone around me is tryna help as much as they can

But I’ll move on in this meltdown
Of nervousness diagnosis

There are still so many people out there who care about those around them, like me they are tired and so frustrated. But we are alive, we can still choose to win this. There are over 80,000 people in our nation that cannot make that choice anymore.  If you have chosen to disbelieve the science and ignore the precautions, you have chosen to risk my life and I am not cool with that. But I will still give you my joy because you matter to me.  I’ll wear my mask and sanitize my hands between every customer that comes through my line.  We are all trying to help, we are all in this and I would like very much for all of us to get out of this alive and with our joy.

Thank you, Alanis, for bearing your soul to us. You gave me magic when I really needed some.  As I let this break me and mold me, I am stunned at the brilliance in your music and how you pour your whole soul into your songs. Humanity is so fortunate to have you amongst them. Looking forward to hearing the rest of “Such Pretty Forks in the Road”.

Listening, learning, and growing…

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