The Beautiful Weight of Grief.

(Listen to this song while you read, listening inspired this post.)

When I write about a song, I pour through whatever I can find that tells me about the creators of that song. I listen to their music, all of it. I read the things they have written, I spend time with their art. I try my best to get to know them through the tiny pieces of themselves that they have given us. In the case of May Erlewine, I have become happily lost. May’s catalog is so deep and so good… my only sadness is the regret that it took me this long to find her. I really don’t think it matters where you start in May’s catalog, just start.

I am really good at recognizing a guitarist’s “hands” or a guitarist’s distinct sound. Some will wear you out with their “hands” and some will announce themselves with the unique beauty of their “hands”.  I will forever remember Packy Lundholm for the opening of “Subtle Blues”.  I was halfway through this song before I heard any of the lyrics and yet, I knew I would write about it. And then I heard the lyrics.

I took the same nosedive into the wide and wonderful works of Packy Lundholm and found Track Sabbath, Vol. 5: Wiki’s Picks. Packy has a unique style for every track and they are all amazing. Every time I think I have figured out his “hands”, he does something completely different, occasionally I’m quite certain, that is exactly why he did that. The second track on that album is about one of my hometowns and was touching and hilarious, in a Packy sort of way.

I like to think that the universe runs the machines for an occasional a second or two, just enough to give you something you need. That’s how I found “Subtle Blues”. A weirdly random play that introduced me to May and Packy and 10 Good Songs, the latter being the label of a few good beings creating magic by way of stunningly beautiful music. 

I very rarely mention labels when I write, 10 Good Songs is changing that, they are creators. They are the vehicle with which I am finding one magical song after another. I want to go and sit with them and just soak up the joy they are creating. Do yourself a favor and go to their site and read the first few paragraphs. There are a total of four artists listed, and I have listened to all of them, and I can tell you this… you will find magic. There is a lyric, an instrumentation, a production, a song just for you. The humans that weave this magic at 10 Good Songs, give me great and wondrous hope. I will continue to watch what they do and listen to creators that align themselves with them.

Is it odd to believe that our world can be better because of music?

Is it odd that we should even ask that question…?

I have been listening to Subtle Blues since the second week of November. I have been soaking in it. It’s telling me something about the weird fog that has been swirling around just out of my view over the last while. I’ve felt a sadness and even the nibbling of depressing ideas… listening to this song has given me a place to nestle in while I reconcile the grief around me.

It is a fascinating idea to think that I was grieving for all of this…

As I was letting this song seep into my soul I found May’s thoughts describing where this song came from and I have never felt more like a song was written just for me, not like this. This is truly the real magic of music. Someone blows a piece of their soul out into the universe, and we are touched by it and made more complete.

Here is her post…

“I was out walking a couple months ago and I noticed that I was feeling sad. I stopped to check in with what was going on. I took inventory of my own little world and my spirit. Things seemed good and balanced there. I thought, what is this ache I’m experiencing? I realized that this feeling has become my companion lately and it is the grief I carry for the suffering happening in the world right now.

The pain and injustice inflicted upon our beloved community is real and serious and heavy.

I have been quietly grieving and holding space for these things that have no resolution, that are not okay, that are happening far and wide. I named this feeling, the subtle blues. I don’t think that these blues are supposed to go away. That’s why I carry them with me. I’m carrying humanity in my heart, and as much as it does ache, in that aching and grieving I also find joy and beauty and connection.

I dedicate this song to what aches in you, and I offer the idea that maybe it’s supposed to ache. I hope this song reminds you that even while it hurts, we are not alone in feeling this pain”

I felt this reach into the shadows of so many pieces of my life and sweep the mystery away. I was quite sure I was just tired, but I found grief… I hadn’t thought that I might be grieving. The power of this song very gently, let me work through some shadow chasing and learning again. I am yet again moved by just how deeply powerful the magic of music is.

I live with the subtle blues…

I didn’t know how much I have fallen in love with the world around me. I didn’t know I could care so much for the people around me… I am rich with family, friends, co-workers and all of the neighbors that come through our little neighborhood grocery store. I never planned on being so incredibly blessed… and yet that sadness. I feel the weight of my history, and I am most anxious for my friends who are just getting started with their lives. Their goals and dreams are so different than mine were. Almost none of them talk about having kids and they do not believe they will ever own a house. I can hear anger and anxiety about the divisive wind that is raging around us, and I don’t know how they are supposed to navigate that.  

I grieve for the world that is unfolding for my grandkids, I can’t even fathom what will be left for their children… I hope for the spark of wonder that will capture us and give us a reason to find answers… I know I will keep looking.

None of us have been sleeping much, but we sure know how to dream….

Some of my pain comes from the very real sense of hope slipping away, I carry that the way my mother carried the burden of prayer… this song reminded me that I have strength, it also reminded me to look up and remember my magic.

I am very good at finding rainbows that float through the night. My mothers, mothers’ strong example of laughing her way into joy gave me keys that I have never forgotten.

My mothers, mothers, name was Edith, and she was as different a grandma as you could possibly imagine. I miss her shenanigans and her smiles for me. She taught me to find hope in laughter… She laughed so hard when she took this picture of me, she fell on the floor, and then she laughed at herself. We howled for what seemed like hours and I remember those moments as some of the purest in my whole childhood. I can still her crying with laughter as she gurgled out “Oh Rusty, Oh Rusty, look at us…”

“I did grandma, and I carry that with me today.”

First and last time I ever wore a wig or a bra…  it is seriously hard to top making your grandma laugh so hard she falls on the floor… I love you Edith and all of your glorious imperfections. You gave me courage and fueled my independence. You found joy in spite of the judgement that surrounded you. You found joy in spite of the tangled side of my Edith. You liked to drink and smoke and wander around carrying the pieces that you could not find places for, with ideas that you could tell no one. You were the only grandma I knew, and you were precisely perfect.

I think we are all relying heavily on dreams. Dreams take some of our rest, but in turn, they confront the pain of the moment and beg you to keep walking.

Dreams bring us children who can shine a light on how we step forward.

Dreams remind us of the elders who fought to give us a map.

Songs teach us how to read that map.  

I have always felt like I am walking in someone else’s shoes.

I have even tried to talk to Jesus…

I always look up when I hear May sing, “I reached out to Jesus.” I have seen myself looking across a room, seeing them sitting there talking together, so many times. It still causes me grief. Hoping that Jesus might have something different to say, but I cannot imagine the burden that must be weighing them down, the mankind they died for are burning their ideals to dust.

Listening to this song gave me a new empathy for Jesus, it is helping me to separate my anger and distaste for the men who used his words, from the good it can do to just love someone for the sake of it.

This is the part I wait for every time I hear this song. It is empowering and thrilling. Every one of us is a significant accident and we fit perfectly into the fabric of the universe. There is no copy of you now or ever. We are all the angels we need; each of us are pieces of stars… and we create magic.

…your magic can heal the universe.

You are the gift of magic and that is why all hell is turning loose. Stop trying to be like the one you saw everyone else trying to be like and just be you… no one else can do that. It is the most powerful magic you will ever find. You might just be the rainbow in the night that someone is looking for.

embrace the subtle blues…

How many of us have jumped the line in order to meet mercy? We all want to be forgiven and carried for even the tiniest of moments. It is hard to set loose of the angel inside of you and sometimes we just want to be invisible amongst the ones we are looking like. We want to belong to anything.

Interesting that mercy talked about being free and not independence…

The “need” to belong could be one of the most difficult things for us to deconstruct. Belonging has value only as long as we understand the value we bring to belonging. We have been told all our lives that we are like sheep, and we are broken, and we should find comfort in shared sorrow, suffering and belonging. We should never forsake the ties of the other angels around us, but you should be actively seeking out those who embrace the uniqueness of you. You are the perfect version of you, carry your subtle blues as a sash of honor and tolerate only those who can appreciate that.

You need to find those whose unique beauty you can love as you would be loved. We all have our village, seek them out and give them all of the energy you can spare. They are that part of the broken world around you.

I hear the subtle blues….

After a long winters hibernation and letting this song cook in my soul, I have found a place to carry this piece of grief forever. I will always believe that there are core ideas that can guide us to be a place where everyone can thrive, and I will always carry a piece of beautiful grief for the place I think we can be. There is freedom in being honest about who we are, there is joy in knowing I still have words in me that might make a tiny difference.

Listening, learning and growing…